I always wake up overwhelmed with thankfulness on my birthday. I don’t consciously make the decision to begin my day like this, but it somehow happens out of the overflow of the morning. Before I have a chance to choose anything but joy, it has already been chosen for me. I believe it’s kind of like my yearly birthday present from God. He wants to own that very first “Happy Birthday” greeting. He wants to give me my first present of the year. I believe my God is jealous for things like that.
A year ago, when I turned 18, I was on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean and I spent some time reflecting on the year before and praying for my year to come. Out on the balcony, in the sticky Caribbean air, I prayed for a better understanding of faith and promised to choose joy in response to all circumstances that arose from having that understanding. I asked Jesus to lead me into risk. I asked Him to give me compassion for others and a will to deny myself for the hearts of His people. Even then, in all honesty, I was hoping it looked a lot different than where I am now. I thought that having faith to ask for those things would be enough.
So now, a year later, as I turn 19, I reflect on the past 12 months and my new understanding of faith. I suppose I began with the idea that faith was the thing that came before the blessings. I thought that faith was the thing you held onto before the gifts arrived. I thought faith was the religious discipline of doing Christian stuff like reading your bible and obeying the rules. Faith was the work before the reward.
Faith, to me, was solely that drive you take onto an unknown road regardless of the CAUTION signs lighting up on the way.
This past year has shattered that limited view. Now, faith to me takes the form of joy regardless of where risk ends up. It is no longer the precedent to a rewarding end place, but the foundation of every destination regardless if it is accompanied with a reward. It exists after every CAUTION sign has been passed and the road ends and nothing makes sense. It exists when all resources are exhausted and every expectation is ruined. It exists when in those moments, every logical choice says to turn back, and instead you choose to say “I still trust this road you have me on, Lord”.
When everything has failed and you have broken all the rules and the world labels your walk as a failure and all is lost, that’s when this new understanding of faith shows up. It doesn’t mean believing that success is still on its way, it simply means believing that nothing is lost in the name of Christ. Faith has become the reward rather than the work. Faith has become the very joy that I used to anticipate.
Well, I’m 19! Another year has gone by and I continue to be amazed by answered prayers and lessons learned. I am beyond excited to see the way the Lord redefines this life I live!
