“What are some things you’ve seen and experienced?”
“Who can we pray for in your ministries?”
“How’s your heart?”
“What’s been hard?”
I get these questions all the time from people within my squad, strangers I meet and everyone back home. Sometimes, I am blunt and respond with an honest, “I don’t know how to answer that.” Many times I tell them what they expect to hear. I don’t have the energy or talent to unpack just how this trip has affected me in a casual conversation. It is not easy to put into words the things I have seen and the way my heart has changed.
The truth is that normal passerby conversations in my condo consists of an exchange of stories regarding abuse, death and corruption involving children. At almost any point, the casual talk in our kitchen can be a toss-up between something as simple as our favorite Starbucks drinks or something as heavy as a new abandoned child at our ministry place.
So what have I seen? What have I experienced? I’ve seen children begging for food at almost every public transportation stop. I’ve held a 9 month old nameless baby covered in cigarette burns and hand-print bruises up his back. I’ve seen 4 siblings who were found chained with dog collars to a fence, malnourished and abused. I’ve washed the oozing puss off of a 6 year old who never got her rash treated or cleaned. I’ve seen the bleeding gash of a baby’s head and the whip marks of abuse on a little girl’s arms. I’ve seen mothers turn away from her children in neglect. I’ve seen fathers refuse responsibility of their kids. I’ve met more than 1 child who saw their mother murdered. I’ve heard the stories of orphans, the cries of abandoned babies and the pleading for money from kids living in the streets. I’ve seen little boys raised to be girls in order to increase their worth in prostitution. I’ve seen kids juggling for money, dancing for money, singing for money. I’ve seen a child for sale. I’ve seen wandering kids, runaway kids, alone kids and pregnant kids. I’ve held a 5 day old baby abandoned on its 3rd day of life. I’ve rocked a sexually abused cerebral palsy child to sleep. I’ve spent time alone with drug babies, incest babies and nameless babies. I’ve seen and experienced heaviness that I’ve tucked away in places I can’t remember until reminded.
Friday, I am taking 3 of my students to the mall for their first time. We will get lunch and visit the arcade for a few hours. I walked them home from school to ask their parents for permission and was immediately reminded of the home life of the kids I teach. One of my students wouldn’t allow me in her house, another was cared for by a neighbor who hasn’t seen the mom in a while, the last parent was apathetic. At school, these girls are just my sassy loud students with uniforms and backpacks. They aren’t much different from American Junior High girls. I almost forgot, until I visited their houses, that they come from extreme poverty and broken homes.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a social worker about 3 little girls I suspect are being abused at home. Their adorable chubby Asian faces are ingrained in my head every hour. Though games, handclaps and plenty of hugs have put a smile on their face, the black eyes, scratches and reserved demeanor tell an untold story I hope to reveal.
To protect the identities of children and to guard my own heart from exposure to the world, I don’t go into much detail about the things I’ve seen in casual texts, emails and Facetime updates. Please know that I am so thankful for all the prayers and support I receive from home. Sometimes, I really just don’t know how to answer those questions.
So how’s my heart? Well, it’s often broken. It’s always yearning to see love in the eyes of these precious children. It’s confused and constantly reshaping my view of what brokenness in this world looks like. It is in continuous desperation to be filled up with love and grace from God. How has it changed? It is no longer blind. It holds a deeper desire to see restoration and redemption. I am passionate for justice. My life has changed and though it is hard, it is beautiful.
“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops” Matthew 10: 26-27
“We can rejoice too, when we run into trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment.” Romans 5: 3-5
